I'm not fat – I'm just big boned! The vet said so! The babes took me to see the nice vet man before Christmas as I haven't seen him for a while, and he said I weigh 7.35 kilograms. She babe said "What's that in old money?" and he said "It's just over a stone." I think he just made that up so she'd understand, so I gave him a look. (He got really cross that I was wearing my new harness, in case I ran off, but I couldn't because she babe was holding it. I don't mind it - and there is NO WAY I'm going in that mobile home thing they used to put me in. It's tiny, I can't breathe and it makes my feet sweat.) She said "Oh lordy. Are we over-feeding him?" and the vet laughed and said "No! He's just a big cat! You've done well with him." Whatever that's supposed to mean.
But I AM a big cat – and I'm not scared of foxes!
The other evening there was a lot of barking going on outside the garden. She babe was in the loo and thought it was dogs. He babe said it was foxes so she came out to the smoking room to look. I was quite interested so I squeezed through my cat flap (it is definitely smaller than it used to be – although I did put on a little weight over Christmas, to be fair - pretzels and chocolate and too much tele) and spotted a huge fox stalking me and the babes from the shed roof at the end of the garden. They were both looking at it through the window of the smoking room – I think they were scared – so I secretly tiptoed alongside he babe's vegetable patch so it couldn't see me creeping up on it. Then it saw me, and started to climb down onto the garden fence so I squared up to it, and I think the babes started to panic. She was fidgeting around with her hands going "Oooh no, oooh shall we do something… foxes can do terrible things to cats can't they…" and he said "Not to one that big!" Then he ran off and she said "Where are you going?" and he said "To get the key to the back door, just in case." I think he was worried that I was going to hurt the fox. She said she was worried about the vet's bill. As soon as he babe started opening the door the fox changed his mind and jumped over the back of the fence and barked. I knew it! I scared him off! I'm good. I'm a fox hunter.
But aah, the babes. They're not very happy at the moment. He has to give all his money to pay for his taxis and tickets to the Isle of Wight Festival are sold out. I'm really fed up about that. I was looking forward to them going away for a few days so my granny could come and stay. She babe was laughing a lot this morning though. "They've just announced that Diana Vickers is doing the festival! Haaaa haaa! And Alexandra Burke! Oh my god that's hilarious! Haaaaahaaaahaaaa!" Apparently it made her laugh all the way to work. At least she's cheered up a bit. She's fed up with all the weight she put on over Christmas, a bit like me, so she keeps eating chocolate and cheese.
Diana Vickers. That's knickers in Cockney rhyming slang – hahahhhaaaa hah!
The babes are also not happy with 'this godforsaken government' (a man called Johnny Rotten said it was 'two bleeping bleeps for the price of one'… I don't think I get it). I'm a bit scared because I've heard they're going to sell off the Forrests. I might need to leave the country in a hurry if they do, and find my family tree in a Norwegian wood. I wonder if there'll be any babes there… Or - I could get the ferry to the Isle of Wight! They keep complaining that all the good things, like libraries, and the Laura Ashley shop on High Street Kensington, are being closed down, all the bills have gone up, petrol has gone up, VAT has gone up, and lots of people are losing their jobs. It seems to me that people are being very careless if they keep closing good things, losing things and letting things go up. If you don't look after things they might break and you might never be able to fix them. If it isn't broken you don't need to fix it, do you. Durr. They must know that. Maybe it's the bleeping bleeps in the government. She babe says they're evil and he babe says 'bring back Brown', and he didn't even like him.
She babe broke my food bowl once. She made me a replacement one at pottery but I have to use that for my water, because it weighs a ton, and my water bowl for my food. It does the trick, but it's not the same. Thank god my biscuit bowl hasn't changed, at least that's something (although my biscuits do end up all over the floor – but that's handy for when I run out). I don't mind doing things differently, but secretly I liked things the way they were.
I wish they'd go on holiday. I could do with a break.
Fx
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